Well this is turning out to be a great year. Just days after singing Auld Lang Syne, we have news that global warming is no more.
Yep, thanks to brave climate change appeasers such as Rush Limbaugh and Republican congressmen we now know, conclusively, that climate change is passe. We know this because it got really, really cold outside and it snowed. Big news and a relief to many I am sure.
All this use of the cerebral cortex to discuss the polar vortex is getting tiresome. I mean just watch that video (see below) from some schlep in the White House. Way too complicated to be true right?
And besides, there is even bigger news than the end of climate change. You might want to sit down for this. Remember those beauty queens and their fervent desire for world peace? Yes I know we mocked them, terribly and unjustly it turns out. I am here to report to you that global warring has also come to an end!
How do I know this? It is a fair question and I will explain. I went over to a pub in Toronto the other day and it hit me. Everywhere I looked people were in groups talking and laughing. No arguing. No one looked afraid. Then I just knew global warring had ceased. Peace had broken out.
Oh yeah, one more thing on climate change and global warming. I know we don’t need any more proof that it’s over but all the folks who came into the bar that day were wearing winter jackets, gloves, and an assortment of Christmas scarves. And man, did they look cold when they first entered. Climate change pah! As if!
So yeah, it’s cold in January in the northern hemisphere and we are at peace globally. Thanks to lawmakers from Texas to Alberta, that Stephen Harper guy in Ottawa, and Fox news, the world’s climate has stabilized and the guns have gone silent. Life is good.
There is one last issue that might concern you, however. What will all the aspiring beauty queens pine for now that we have peace and a stable climate? I think I got that covered too.
Let us turn to a great leader from the past — Britain’s dashing prime minister, Neville Chamberlain. Lest we forget, Chamberlain was the appeasement guy who secured a peace deal with Germany in 1938, just before a war broke out a few years later that laid waste to much of the continent. Like many of our great skeptic leaders today, the guy knew how to shrink from a fight!
So with inspiration from Chamberlain and great leaders like him, I appeal to all aspiring contestants to begin shouting: “We want more clean coal! In our time!”